Where do your love languages come from?
The psychology behind love languages
From Tik Tok therapists to Steven Bartlett, love languages are a hot topic right now.
And there’s a good reason why—because this simple piece of relationship psychology can unlock the knowledge and tools to help you have much happier, healthier relationships.
What are love languages?
If you need a refresher or haven’t heard of them before, love languages are different ways of expressing and receiving love.
Essentially, we can show someone we love them in different ways, and we also have preferences for how they show their love to us. This varies from person to person. That flash mob proposal in front of the Eiffel Tower? One person’s idea of a romantic gesture, another’s idea of hell.
This all comes down to love languages, a concept coined by Gary Chapman, Ph.D, in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. According to Chapman, there are five main styles of giving and receiving love:
Words of affirmation.
Communicating affection and appreciation verbally (spoken or written). For example, saying “I love you”, compliments, words of encouragement, and frequent communication.
Quality time.
Hanging out together, meaningful conversations or doing activities together. What’s key here is the quality i.e. you’re both fully present and giving or receiving undivided attention (that means no phones or other distractions).
Acts of service.
Doing something for another person that will help them out and make them feel appreciated. For example, making them dinner, bringing them a cup of tea in the morning, or running an errand for them.
Gifts.
Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s worth pointing out that ‘gifts’ doesn’t have to mean big, expensive presents. It’s more about the thought behind the gift—the fact that someone considered your tastes and put time into choosing something especially for you.
Physical touch
Love a bit of PDA? Physical touch is any form of physical intimacy and closeness, like kissing, cuddling, holding hands, and sex (note: you don’t have to be snogging on the tube for physical touch to be your love language. Also valid if you’re more of a behind-closed-doors person.).
How to find out your love languages
You might already have an idea of what your love languages are, but you can take this quiz if you’re curious to learn more (let’s face it, we all love a quiz).
Remember, while love languages are mainly spoken about in the context of romantic love, they may also show up in other relationships, like friendship or even work.
For example, words of affirmation is the most common love language, and most of us like hearing positive feedback from our boss or a client. So it’s pretty handy to be aware of them, in more ways than one.
Why is [insert yours here] my love language?
Wondering why you find it so sexy when your partner does the laundry? Well, much like attachment styles, love languages are formed in our childhood.
Psychologists and psychotherapists think that our love languages are shaped by how we were show love from our primary caregivers. What’s interesting is that there are two opposing forces that shape our love languages: it can either be what you lacked growing up, or what you had plenty of.
Your love languages are either shaped by what you lacked growing up, or what you were shown plenty of.
Let's say you grew up in a household where people didn't really talk about their feelings. Perhaps you rarely/never heard "I love you" or similar words of affection. As an adult, you might crave this from your partner.
Equally, if you grew up in a very affectionate household where you were always praised and told you were loved, it’s natural that you would expect the same behaviour from your partner.
Makes sense, right?
How can love languages affect the success of my relationships?
Learning about love languages can be a total game-changer and save a lot of conflict/miscommunication in relationships.
Most of the time, you won’t have exactly the same love languages as your partner. So it’s important to make sure you understand both your love languages and theirs. That way, you can get better and showing each other you care in a way that’s meaningful to each person.
If only J-Lo’s boyfriend had known…
We’re going to be back next week with part two, where we’ll dive into strengthening relationships through love languages some more. Of course, you can be sure your inner critic will have something to say about it…
So if you haven’t already, make sure to subscribe.
Over to you
Once you know what your love languages are, try reflecting on how your childhood might have shaped them. We’d love to hear what you discover in the comments.