Anxious attachment style vs. red flags
How to spot the difference
Thanks to social media, most of us are now pretty well-versed in the language of therapy. And overall, that’s a really good thing.
Technology has dramatically improved access to the information and insights that help us have a better understanding of ourselves—meaning the insights and tools from psychotherapy aren’t just available to those who can afford a therapist.
On top of this, connectedness opens up and de-stigmatises conversations about topics like relationships and mental health.
However, just because we’re better educated, it doesn’t mean that we always get it right.
Social media is awash with posts on ‘red flags’ and ‘toxicity’.
And of course, it’s really important to be aware of unhealthy patterns or abusive behaviour.
The problem is, overusing these terms can dilute their meaning. We're quick to label behaviour that doesn't meet our expectations or needs as 'toxic' or a 'red flag'. But misusing these terms can be really unhelpful. It puts all the blame on someone else, rather than taking responsibility for our own actions and reactions.
A perfect example of this is confusing those supposed ‘red flags’ for symptoms of our own attachment style.
Recap: what are attachment styles?
Along with red flags, you might have learned about attachment styles through social media. Here’s a quick recap from our post on dating in your 20s.
Your attachment style will affect what your inner critic says to you.
If you haven’t yet learned what attachment style you are, now’s a good time to start.
There are four main attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganised and secure. Much like the inner critic, these are shaped in childhood and affect our relationships in adult life.
Your attachment style will directly impact what your inner critic says to you. Let’s say you’re anxious, your inner critic will likely tell you “they’re not texting back because they’re not interested” or “they don’t really mean it when they say they love me”. It’s worth being aware of this, as it can get in the way of genuinely healthy connections.
How to tell the difference between red flags and an anxious attachment style
While it's important to pay attention to signs that someone might not be right for you, remember that it takes two to tango.
Attachment styles can really impact the way we perceive our partner's behaviour—particularly if you're anxious. So if you're struggling to work out if it's them or you, do some self-enquiry.
Ask yourself this question: is this a pattern that plays out in other relationships?
Think particularly about non-romantic relationships. If you struggle with similar dynamics in friendships or with family members, it's likely that your anxious attachment style is influencing your reaction to someone's behaviour. And whatever’s bothering you isn’t necessarily a red flag.
Have a think: do you also get miffed when a friend or your mum doesn’t reply to your text? You likely wouldn’t call them toxic, right?
This can be a helpful way to sift through all those swirling emotions and look at the situation more objectively. Have you got evidence that this person is generally a good communicator? Then maybe they’re just busy at work, and it’s not an indication that they’re losing interest.
And remember, you can take your attachment style into your own hands. For example, you could let your partner know that you really appreciate it when they’re in touch on a regular basis. If they’re secure and interested, they’ll want to give you that reassurance.
So next time you're spiralling because they haven't answered your text, do some self-enquiry to work out if it's genuinely 'problematic', or if it's just your anxious attachment style being triggered.
Do you struggle with an anxious attachment style?
You’re in good company. Fun fact: all of us on the team at Fuck Off Russell have an anxious attachment style. So we’ve been there and done the spiralling. Drop your thoughts or questions in the comments—we’d love to chat.