Is "good girl syndrome" real?
The latest Insta-therapy trend, unpacked
If you follow any therapy or self-help related content on Instagram, you’ve probably been served some posts on "good girl syndrome".
As we all know, what we see on Instagram isn’t always true—and anyone can describe themselves as an “expert”.
Well, spoiler alert, “good girl syndrome” isn’t a legit psychological term. However, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of truth to it.
So in this post, we’re going to unpack what “good girl syndrome” is, how it might affect you, and the real psychology behind it.
What is “good girl syndrome”?
“Good girl syndrome” refers to a behavioural pattern, mostly exhibited by women, that’s characterised by stereotypical "good girl" qualities: being compliant, obedient and pleasing others.
Typical “symptoms” include:
Constantly worrying you’ve upset people/they hate you
Struggling to say no
Difficulty speaking up for yourself or voicing what you really want
Feeling like you’re not good enough, so you have to behave in a certain way to win people’s approval or love
Always sticking to the rules or doing things the “right” way
There’s a lot of overlap with perfectionist and over-achiever traits—setting yourself really high standards and equating your self-worth with your achievements or external validation.
But essentially, if you were called a “good girl” as a child, you’ll probably relate to good girl syndrome.
Is “good girl syndrome” real?
"Good girl syndrome" isn't a clinically recognised term in the fields of psychology or medicine. As such, it's not quite accurate to pathologise this pattern of behaviour as a "syndrome"—it’s not an illness and, like imposter feelings, it’s actually very widespread. Good girl "conditioning" or “complex” might be better terms.
However, it's definitely a relatable, and therefore valid, concept.
If you struggle with assertiveness, setting boundaries, people-pleasing, expressing your true thoughts and feelings, codependency or fearing rejection/disapproval, “good girl syndrome” might be a helpful framing, since it acknowledges the roles society and upbringing can play in shaping our personality traits as adults.
Is there a more accurate psychological term for “good girl syndrome”?
Different schools of psychology will have different answers. But one of the most popular psychological models we use here at Fuck Off Russell is Transactional Analysis (TA).
In TA theory, our behaviour is determined by one of (or a mix of) five drivers that are formed in childhood in response to our primary caregivers. The TA drivers are: Be Perfect, Be Strong, Please Others, Try Harder and Hurry Up. The script for each driver directly influences our inner critic narrative as an adult.
We could attribute good girl conditioning to Be Perfect and Please Others.
Please Others: As a child, you were praised for looking after other people or were in a position where you had to comfort your caregiver.
As an adult, you tend to make sure other people are OK first, and think about yourself last. Your inner critic will tell you "you're selfish, you're rude, you're impolite" if you do things like assert your needs, set a boundary or put yourself first.
Be Perfect: As a child, you were praised for being clever, good behaviour and always doing things “right”.
As an adult, you need to be the best at everything. Your inner critic will tell you “you’re not good enough, you need to do better, you’re going to fail”, whether you meet or exceed your high standards.
What about good boys?
“Good girl syndrome” (quite rightly) points out the gendered expectations that have typically been placed on women: conforming to perceived standards of "goodness", being agreeable or even self-sacrificing.
While the way society perceives us can absolutely have a huge impact on our identity, behaviour and emotions, taking “good girl syndrome” back to the root TA Drivers shows us that these behavioural patterns could affect people of any gender (there are also theories about “good boy/golden child syndrome”).
How to overcome “good girl” conditioning
If you feel you are constantly striving to meet others' expectations at the expense of your own needs, it can take a toll on your mental health. You might struggle with dissatisfaction, low self-esteem, anxiety, and stress. You might also have difficulty setting boundaries, expressing yourself authentically, and developing a strong sense of self.
Working though these feelings with a therapist or coach can be really helpful in developing healthier patterns of thinking, learning your boundaries and how to set them, and improving your self-esteem.
Here are some pointers to get you started on this journey of self-discovery:
Work out your TA driver (here’s a quiz) to help you decide if you struggle with “good girl” conditioning
Get to know your inner critic - pay attention to what it sounds like, what it's telling you and when it shows up
Start to take back control - getting to know your inner critic can help you turn down its volume and counterbalance it with some inner kindness
What do you think about “good girl syndrome”?
Had you heard of “good girl syndrome” before? And do you find it relatable? We’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.